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A Vampire's Midlife Crisis

Valerie Twombly

Sabrina had a normal life, relatively complaint-free. Until she wakes up a vampire. Her body has never been more perky and her hair is a dream. Problems? Several. A vampire shouldn’t have hot flashes, mood swings that rival a rollercoaster ride, and the urge to drop into a dead sleep at 9:00 pm.

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Read an excerpt from A Vampire's Midlife Crisis

“I don’t think you fully grasp the reality here. You. Are. A. Vampire! That means Spike is your sire, and he needs to teach you how to feed.” Ruby waved her hand in the air. “And whatever else a new vampire needs to know. Without him, you are screwed.” 

She wrinkled her nose. “Drink blood? Oh honey, the only thing even remotely resembling blood I drink is a Bloody Mary.” 

“Ugh! You are impossible.” Ruby walked to the patio door of their home and jerked open the curtains. 

Sabrina hissed like an alley cat ready to rumble and backed herself into a corner. “Kill it!” 

Seconds later, the room was bathed in only the fake lighting coming from the fixtures hanging over the counter and the ball of light outside no longer her arch enemy. That was when she felt them. Her tongue did a one-two across two pointed canines and even after she had poked herself and caused blood to dance on her tastebuds, she​ ​couldn’t stop playing with her new toys. 

“I have fangs!” 

“I told you.” 

“I don’t understand. I should not be having a hot flash if I’m a vampire. Right?” She looked at her daughter with that look mothers gave when they damn well expected an answer to their question like yesterday. 

Ruby shrugged. 

“You did not just give me the shoulder.” 

“I don’t have answers, Mom. It’s why we need to do something about Spike.” 

Just then, the sound of a beating heart and flowing blood filled her ears. 

Whoosh, whoosh. 

Dear God, was that the sound of food she heard? She stared at Ruby’s neck and instinct told her the sound was​ ​the blood pulsing through her daughter’s veins. She licked her lips and took a step. 

“Mom. Stop looking at me like I’m a steak.” 

“I do have the sudden urge to bite you. This can’t be good.” She took another step. 

“Okay. Spike left a bag of blood in the fridge. Just let me get by you without you jumping me and I’ll grab it.” 

“You best hurry, dear. Mummy is starting to see you like one of those headless cartoon chickens walking about.” 

“Jesus.” Ruby took a wide berth around her and got to the fridge. Once she had grabbed the bag of blood, she shoved it toward her. “Here. Sink those pointy things into this instead of me.”

Sabrina snatched it and tore into it like she had not eaten in a month. Blood spurted and covered her favorite tee, but she didn’t care. She gulped the cold liquid while her mind told her how disgusting it was. She had to force herself not to gag, but she managed to get it down. The fog of hunger clouding her lifted. 

“That was fucking gross.” She tossed the empty bag in the sink. 

“I think you’re supposed to warm it first.” Her daughter looked her up and down. “Jesus, Mom. I’ve seen roadkill look better than you.” 

She looked down at herself. “Oops. I guess I should go shower and then we need to discuss this Spike issue.” 

As if on cue, Spike walked into the kitchen. “What did you kill?” His voice was in full-on panic mode. 

“The bag you left.” 

“Holy fuck, you’re a mess.” 

She slammed her hands on her hips. “Well, that will teach you to turn me, then hightail it for the hills.” 

“I didn’t hightail it anywhere. I was dragged off to see our king since I broke vampire law by changing you.” 

“What happened?” Ruby was beside him, her arms circling him. When the hell had her daughter taken up with a vampire, anyway? Wasn’t she supposed to know these things? 

“I have a week to grab my shit, including your mother, and head back to New York.”